is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
