I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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