i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I said "one day" and that day is not today
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
