I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
