She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
