She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
