The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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