got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
