'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
