Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
