my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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