She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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