DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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