Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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