I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
this hospital has no fireball
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
