overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
