A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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