She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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