So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
