he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
