im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Drunk walkin through police station. America
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Randomize
