she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
