the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
