fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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