Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
