sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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