Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I deserve this hangover.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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