Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
