Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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