Your tits are I can't wait for
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
