Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
