did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
