My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
