he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
