between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
