i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
