she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
