I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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