i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
