i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
