at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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