Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
