Is it normal to miss your booty call?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
