im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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