The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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