im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I AM VODKA MAN
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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