I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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