sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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