ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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