i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
