she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
