Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
