Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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