It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize