can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
