just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
