Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
