Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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