Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize