i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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