They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
