you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
