I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
