life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
