I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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