Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
